“I did not receive it from any man, nor was I taught it; rather, I received it by revelation from Jesus Christ.” – Galatians 1:12
What led me into Christian life?
I was a born Christian for 23 years practising faith by compulsion. I had my own doubts regarding my faith towards Christ. And I kept myself away from awkward topics about the presence and existence of God. This attitude was nourished very well, when I joined my medical college in Chennai, 1991. We had a group of Christian friends, who were keen to involve in prayers. But I found myself very distant to God. Week after week, I had an excuse for not being there.
During my college days, a friend of mine used to bring Bible to the college. He was so passionate about God and he will not say a word against God despite his sufferings. I looked at him as a fool and have advised him on several occasions that he could say anything about God to get away from the difficulties of ragging. However, I found very impressed by his faith without much change in myself.
When we get to argue about God, I kept myself from much argument regarding his existence and leading, but I was convinced to say
“I was practising Christianity by birth not by faith!!!”
Whenever I got down to the prayer meeting, I came back with lot of anxieties, as if I am very distant from God. I used to keep a Bible on my bed side hoping God is close to me, until the anxieties are allayed and the Bible would go back to where it was before.
I was critical about preachers and ministers, so damaging, quoting that there weren’t any more miracles since Christ’s and Apostles’ time.
I was so obsessed with worldly pleasures, that I can’t even perceive or think or comprehend the pleasure of walking with God. If I would hear anyone preaching about this, I would think to myself that they are not telling the truth. I cannot understand how the pleasures they speak walking with God could be real and nothing would match the pleasures of the world.
“I was literally blind”
Here comes a twist in Aug 1996. I went on a fortnight holiday to my home, but I was taken aback by a white patch on my Mom’s tongue. I knew that patch is leading to a cancer in her tongue. I withheld the truth not to panic them, but advised them to do a biopsy. I didn’t offer any further input since I returned back from holidays.
A few months later in Jan 1997, they came up for my convocation to the city of Madras, soon after which, I packed the things, to go back to my own town. It came to my attention again, the precancerous white patch in her tongue has got worse, painless and I knew then that it was definitely cancer.
I managed to slowly convince them to do an appropriate medical test and we found that it was Squamous cell carcinoma of her tongue on biopsy.
It was shocking and she underwent 5 weeks of radio therapy, 5 days a week, staying in the hospital on her own at night. The cancer in itself had shown signs of no change or probably increased now. The side effects of radiotherapy were awful.
Thinking back, I find it to be the gloomiest part of my life, when we never used to talk to each other, as we knew she is going to die. There were a lot of well wishers, not to blame them, who were insisting on my marriage before she dies.
However, I found myself awkward whenever this conversation kept coming. She came back finishing her treatment and the side effects of the treatment were far worse than expected, which was a real pity to watch.
In May 1997, God sent one of my Mom’s relative as his messenger with a suggestion to visit Divine Retreat Centre.
It is place where there would be a week’s retreat starting on a Sunday, finishing on a Friday, between 6 A.M until 9 P.M, with an hour break for breakfast, lunch & coffee. She took the advice, she went up there, along with my Dad and a week later, on a Saturday morning, she turns out knocking at our doors step, with a lot of cheer in her face to claim the good news of her miraculous cancer healing on her retreat.
When I quizzed here on the reason for happiness, she said,
“Jesus has healed me!!!”
I was totally shocked that a miracle would ever happen in my house. And more so for me, miracles don’t happen anymore. I am a doctor. How could I believe this?
I didn’t say a word, but my lips were saying, if it would be true, I would be the first person to be happy. However, my mind said this cannot happen. I recall the words by prophet Isaiah
“These people praise me on their lips, but their hearts are far away for me”
I set a time frame for myself waiting and watching what would happen. I was surprised by June 1997 her cancer had healed completely clinically and she was back to normal. This was proved medically too! I couldn’t believe.
I kept on watching her hoping it would come back!
A year later, we found she was as good as before, before this cancer had happened. Now I accepted to myself that she was healed.
It will be 13 years shortly since her healing and I rejoice in Lord to say that she is well in herself had been around Europe on two different occasions for more than 9 months.
In May 1998, I decided along with our family to go down to the retreat centre as a thanks giving, to exalt the Lord. Again in May, deep in my heart, there was still doubt how could this happen. So, I did not want to go there myself, and the rest of the family could.
However, Gods plan were different, amidst turmoil, I set apart on the 2nd of May 1998, when I didn’t know to the remotest of my heart
I am going to meet my saviour Christ, the lord.
We reached on the third of May, when I found myself; the environment of retreat centre very unfriendly to my expectations. And the patterns of prayer will not fit my ways since my college days. I desperately needed an afternoon nap, which I have to miss here now.
Soon after the breakfast, I was waiting to tell my Mom that I want to leave this place for good. Now I realise someone speaking into me for first time ever in my life, that I am making a premature comment on matters which I didn’t have a clue about. I had an intuition to wait and see what would happen there.
“I obliged???
I chose the last seat to evade questions and try to keep myself as far as possible from God, my Lord. And these verses brought my transformation
My sons, if you have sinned, do so no more, and for your past sins pray to be forgiven. Flee from sin as from a serpent, that will bite you if you go near it; its teeth are lion’s teeth, destroying the souls of men. Every offence is a two-edged sword; when it cuts, there can be no healing. – Sirac 21:1-3
As these words were repeated on stage, I felt as if it was meant to me and I felt it was piercing me as a double edged sword, revealing my personality in detail. I felt in myself the need to change.
On the same day, during the Eucharistic adoration, I was seeing an infant, with a single stretch of white garment in the Eucharist, which completely shocked me. This is one area, which I never convinced myself before, that Christ is there in the Eucharist.
I shut my eyes not to see him. I swerved my chair to different angles to prove to my self and to say to everyone that it was not Christ, but the reflection of light. I looked like a fool as I couldn’t prove what I wanted to. I was caught up in fear or was scared, didn’t utter a word to anyone, but went to bed with lot of uncertainties.
The next day, I was eagerly looking for the adoration time. I was happy on that day to know the Eucharist was plain bread. There was no Christ in it! How good it is for one to say that Lord was not there, revealing our spirituality and relationship to God, despite saying Christians all my life through?
The following day, 5th of May 1998
I went for confession after a long time and looking for my parents and brothers to go away. I did not want them see me confessing. I was looking for a good priest who would be consoling, rather than rebuking.
As I found one and knelt down, I was in tears, scaring the priest. I should admit he consoled me. When I had finished, I felt unburdened. Incidentally, when I returned, I wanted to sit in the middle row on that day.
Soon I realised, the Lord was speaking to me, to get rid of my sandals
as He said to Moses. I obliged!
I knew in my heart at that time, it’s going to be a different day for something is waiting to happen to me. As I was praising the Lord, I realised I was speaking in the heavenly tongues. I had practised hard, days before, to mimic the preachers on the stage.
On the very evening, proceeding to the Eucharistic adoration, I met the same Infant Jesus on the Eucharist. I shut my eyes and swerved my chair again as before.
In my vision, I found two black birds flying and I was asking myself, how come evil could come out of me, as I was holy!!! Deep in my heart, I had an urge in me to ask for God’s Holy Spirit not knowing exactly what I am asking for.
In my vision, it came again, two white pigeons now. I was happy. This is surely Holy Spirit. I was enthralled.
I opened my eyes to see beam of light in the Eucharist.
It was so radiant and luminescent that I couldn’t see it continuously.
At one point, the light started to move and the trajectory was towards me. It was so obvious that it was coming to me, as it did to engulf me completely, when I felt as if I was thrown into a freezer.
I was trembling and shivering in chillness, couldn’t control my emotions. I started weeping. I didn’t bother about anyone around me.
In my heart, I knew I was making one to one conversation with my saviour and my personality was vanishing.
I had extraordinary perceptions about what was happening around me and what my parents, brothers and neighbours perceived about me. I didn’t care!!
My thought at that time was not to miss my God. In my heart, I was born again and I knew what salvation means.
The very night, on my way back to my bed, I heard the Lord speaking to me again, to be obedient, modest and truthful to him.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I was sweating profusely at the heat of that summer night. I was hitting the toilet every 15 to 20 minutes, without being thirsty. It is an opposite feel to my anointment chillness in a freezer. I was feeling extremely hot as in fire.
I was stopping and praying, laying hands over the heads of people, who were awake in the heat. I didn’t want to do this, but I couldn’t control myself. In my personality, this is something, which I never wanted to do nor would ever encourage me or others doing. I never dreamed that it would ever happen to me, which I couldn’t resist on that day.
I hated myself! I couldn’t sleep!!
I heard someone speaking into my ears calling me to follow him. I resisted with my whole heart with full force that I wouldn’t and couldn’t. I made the God aware that it was inappropriate for HIM to call me at that time, when I was entering my post graduation as an orthopaedic surgeon.
I also made him aware if he had ever wanted me, the calling should have happened during my school days. Not when I had set my career ahead with lot of aspirations and ambitions to achieve, which would bring me fame & wealth? The Lord said only one thing to me.
“I need you. Come follow me”
He annoyed me saying this again and again, which made me realise, I was wrong to ask for His Holy Spirit. I thought to myself, as being foolish in the first place to come there, obliging to my intuitions and then subduing myself knowingly on the unknown fact about Him.
I felt desperate at one point if HE would stop speaking to me. However, HIS conversation materialised and evolved asking me, what stopped me following Him? I said, the world has so much to offer and with my aspirations ahead, there is plenty to achieve.
He asked me if I thought they were eternal pleasures. I replied, I don’t know. However, I need it as I thought it will make me happy.
He was sad.
He paused for a while and asked me if I trusted him.
I said “NO.”
He looked obviously even sadder as HE was reading my mind,
In which I wanted to say Him “SHUT UP.”
Interestingly, the Lord was kind and patient. He didn’t rebuke me but said, “If I make a covenant with you, that if I would fulfil you hearts desires, would it then make you consider following me”.
As I wanted Him to stop talking to me, the answer was yes. He said, “Okay then!! I will see you after”.
It was 4 in the morning when, I went to sleep and two hours later, on my way to the prayers, I felt very happy in my heart which was so awesome, which I never ever cherished ever before or after in my life.
I was slowly getting to the reality of knowing what eternal pleasure means, which I never understood before.
That Friday, when I was supposed to leave the place, I didn’t want to. The God asked me, “Why?” I said to Him, “It will be easy for me to practise him inside the retreat centre, as there will be no challenges from the world outside.
He smiled and said, “I was complacent and lazy”. He made clear to me, the reason for my call is not to sit there, but to go and face the challenges outside by living and practising HIS faith to make him proud.
Now, I had a laugh. I told him, if it would be the reason He chose me, He would be disappointed, as you know, who I am and how I was.
He replied, “Go now, wait and see.”
Honestly, I didn’t understand what HE meant, but as the days rolled on, I realised that HE started to explore and display my unearthed qualities to my awareness and to HIS advantage.
Now it’s getting to 12 years since this happened and I am standing before you all, narrating not just the events that happened to me, but also making others know who my God is, how He is as a person and a friend looking after us day in and day out.
I will keep you posted with more events.
This is just a
“Start of the Beginning!!!
Salvation & Mission 